Alfred and Jersh and Hubert
by TheUltimateMuffin
Summary: Side story to Alfred and Jersh. Hubert Humphrey is a figurehead, and does what a figurehead does.


Begin Chapter 0.1 – In the Beginning was the End

Hubert Humphrey stood atop a mound of bodies upon the plains of Aison. Today. Was the day. That the circle turned. Hubert felt that his ultimate power had left him after all these years, such that only six people in the universe knew where it was vested, most of whom, coincidently, died earlier in the story. Alfred, Jiro, they were dead now, impaled upon their own sword. Lianne, protected by the plot armor, ran away to 42 FRTY TO 42 to oversee Alfred's milkshake empire. John, killed 9 years ago, now endlessly haunting the world, plaguing Eugene and Hubert. Inoue, dead, killed not two hours earlier in a desperate battle against Eugene.

Eugene McCarthy strode into vision.

"Eugene McBarfy, nice to see you."

"Likewise, Hubert. It's been, what, 15 years?"

"15 years too long"

"Indeed"

Eugene walked up to Humphrey as if to embrace him, palming a knife in his right hand.

"An end to this war is at hand", said Eugene off-handedly, stabbing Humphrey in the back with Yolipqa, a dagger. This dagger has an illustrious history of killing somewhat important people. For example, this is the very sword that killed the artist of Alfred and Jersh after a tragic accident involving Microsoft Paint, Internet Explorer, burritos, and milkshakes (hence the lack of illustrations for this story).

Hubert sank to his knees, blood pouring from the wound on his back.

"So it has come to this."

"What?"

"You. Me. This Moment"

"Alas, so it has."

"Farewell, Hubert"

End Chapter 0.1: In the Beginning was the End

Chapter -15: You thought it would be Hubert's funeral, but it was me, Backstory!

Alfred and Jersh walked under the veranda of House Humphrey in the town of Aelford, basking in the heat of the thousand-year sun. Turning the corner, they spotted one Eugene McCarthy, heir to Thellonde, the only major city within 10 nights of travel, singing in an impressive baritone bass "For Whom the Bell Tolls", a popular dirge for being forsaken by a friend you thought you understood, but really, they must leave for circumstances outside of their control. Unfortunately for Eugene, Hubert Humphrey had left three nights ago to seek his fortune in the daylands of Desk.

Eugene McCarthy was beside himself. "Alfred, Jersh. Why has Hubert gone and left me alllllll alone in this godforsaken place, while he gets to go off on a rambunctious adventure adventuring with adventurers in search of the ultimate power in the universe. This betrayal simply cannot be tolerated. I must raise an army to take back a certain Desk."

Alfred said, "Hubert styling himself as a so-called adventurer simply cannot be allowed to live. However, betrayal is not to be taken lightly. As there are still 732 years until the sun sets, so too must time pass until an army can be ready for battle."

Jersh followed up, "There is a certain bard in Thellonde with the name of Tom Lehrer, he may be able to help you in your quest for revenge."

And so Eugene McCarthy set off to Thellonde to seek one Tom Lehrer, taking with him the requisite three pigeons to be poisoned in the park as sacrifice to the gods. 11 nights and three random encounters later, Eugene arrived in Thellonde to find this so-called bard Tom Lehrer, but alas, there was no one with his name in the city. Returning home, he consulted Jersh, who cautioned waiting, raising an army, a name change, and to allow Alfred and Jersh to travel to Hubert to spy on him until the time is right for revenge.

Eugene McCarthy pondered several names for name changes. Connolly would have been a great choice, but he thought that it was too realpolitik for his carefree life. Albert might work, but it seemed only destined for a minor role in government, never realizing his greatest goals. Daley seemed too ruthless, too barbaric for a modern major general. Bond seemed like had to deal with too much espionage, too unseemly from a general who ought to lead from the front. After all, if the king doesn't lead, who will follow? Byrd seemed likely to fly away at the first sign of danger, something someone sworn on the path to retribution could hardly follow. With these and many others, Eugene decided upon George, a solid name for a soon-to-be famous commander.

End Chapter -15: You thought it would be Hubert's funeral, but it was me, Backstory!

Begin Chapter 0.2: An Ode to Hubert

A few weeks after Hubert's death, a poem circulated commemorating his final moments:

Whatever became of Hubert?  
Has anyone heard a thing?  
Once he shone on his own,  
Now he sits home alone  
And waits for Eugene to sing.

Once a fiery liberal spirit,  
But now when he speaks, he must clear it.  
Second fiddle's a hard part, I know,  
When they don't even give you a bow.

"We must protest this treatment, Hubert",  
Said adventuring soldiers.  
As someone once remarked to Schubert,  
"Take us to your Lieder"...

Whatever became of you, Hubert?  
We miss you, so tell us, please:  
Are you sad? Are you cross?  
Are you gathering moss  
While you wait for the boss to sneeze?

Does Alfred, recalling when he was VP,  
Say "I'll do unto you like they did unto me"?  
Do you dream about staging a coup?  
Hubert what happened to you?

George banned everyone from possessing or hearing this ode, ordering all copies to be burned. It would not come to pass that people would learn that Eugene could sing. That must remain buried for all eternity.

End Chapter 0.2: An Ode to Hubert

Begin Chapter -9: Backstory Part 2: Electric Boogaloo

Hubert was trapped in the adventurer's guild. 6 years after he set out to prove that he was worthy of friendship with one Eugene McCarthy, he slowly began to fall into the trap that all seasoned adventurers fall into: he realized that killing kobolds was not his true calling in life. However, Alfred and Jersh were delighted to not have to save the galaxy from the space cats, and so spent their time tormenting Hubert by manipulating people into giving him promotions inside the adventurer's guild. They had forgotten their oath to Eugene in about 21 minutes, so Hubert had nothing to fear, for he suspected nothing. Within two years, Hubert was made into Vice President, and it only made sense that in a few short years he would replace President Johnson.

Meanwhile, George McCarthy began to raise an army against the adventurer's guild, who under the bold leadership of President Johnson, declared war against the accursed hags for the heresy of attempting to destroy religions that had just recently revived in the Topaz temple but had been dormant for a thousand years. "Who among us can join the adventurer's guild and act as a spy?". Just as he asked this, Ed Muskie broke into the room, shouting, "I'll join that damned adventurer's guild. They done took every adventuring job in this town. I was just about to raid their headquarters, but if you need me to act as a spy, General Eugene, I shall".

"That would be splendid", was the reply.

In the meantime, I hear that there is a famous bard and tactician by the name of Tom Lehrer around these parts. I shall attempt to find him and entice him to join us on this noble expedition of ours to overcome the Adventurer's Guild.

And so Eugene rode north, across the desert of Tasfuta, through the valley of Titalum, to the plains of Hviln under the mountains of Absolllllom and by the river Glastia, 30 nights away from the Adventuring Guild. On the plains of Hviln there was a singular hut, and inside this hut, there was a singular person.

This hut was made of the finest straw that Hviln had to offer, a mix of amaranth and absinthe. It looked like it would fall over at the closest breeze and catch on fire at the drop of a milkshake. Curiously, there was smoke rising from the chimney.

Eugene walked up to the front door, which opened ominously before him. In the distance, he could hear a singular violin playing something that sounded similar to, but entirely unlike Sorrowful Stone. As Eugene crossed the threshold, the singular person spun around in his chair, coming to a rest facing Eugene.

"State your business"

"I am General Eugene, leader of the anti-Adventuring Guild expedition, and I would like to meet one Tom Lehrer to invite him to join my worthy cause. Do you know of the man of whom I speak?"

"Why of course I do. But first, in order to meet him, you must prove yourself worthy. Bring back the dagger Yolipqa", replied the singular man.

"I shall return soon".

2 years passed.

The Adventurer's Guild pacified the surround land, except for the areas controlled by a mysterious General George. Unable to penetrate the Tasfuta desert, President Johnson grew despondent, leaving more and more of the operations of the guild to Alfred and Jersh, not Vice President Humphrey.

Eugene/George had some issues finding the dagger Yolipqa. However, rumor reached Ed Muskie that a mysterious dagger was hiding the in Tomb of Guan Yu, conveniently the next target of the Adventurer's Guild.

The Tomb of Guan Yu was no ordinary tomb, nor was the Adventurer's Guild no ordinary grave robbers. Ed Muskie knew that in order to acquire the dagger, he must retain favor with the guild and ask for the dagger to replace his own, which conveniently would be broken while clearing the dungeon. 35 skeletons and two Mexican drug lords later, the boss of the dungeon appeared: Guan Yu clad in the finest armor made by the dwarves, stolen from the dwarves by the elves, lost by the elves to the goblins, and found when Guan Yu evicted the goblins from the kingdom 1,337 years ago. At any rate, Ed Muskie's dagger did not survive this epic boss battle, the details of which are too trivial to take up the time of the reader.

At any rate, Ed Muskie acquired the dagger at the cost of Inoue's right hand, 30 years added on to his life, his dagger, and the Adventurer's Guild's potion of greater restoration. Over the course of the next two months, the dagger was sent to George, who once again set out for the hut on the plains of Hviln under the mountains of Absolllllom and by the river Glastia. Walking up to the hut, George noticed a singular figure inside, reading _The Shadow of the Wind_, oblivious to a menacing stranger knocking on the door to his hut. He did, however, notice, that his hut was on fire, and walked out of his hut to go get some water to put it out when he found George. George had some nice burly men with him, and they grabbed this figure and brought him to Thellonde.

In Thellonde, Eugene decided that maybe it was a good idea to ask this singular person what his name was, simply so the author could write a name that was shorter than a singular person.

"My name is Tom Lehrer, why have you disturbed my peace."

"I wish for you to lead our armies against Hubert Humphrey."

"That I cannot do. I am merely a bard. I could possibly write a prophecy for your expedition, read the stars, give portents, that sort of thing, but leading armies is beyond me. After all, if you want to really take over Desk, you will need to do that of your own actions, not mine."

"Alright then, a prophecy should do."

"Return in three days."

And so George returned in three days, finding a scrap of paper and _The Shadow of the Wind_ where Tom Lehrer was, without a trace of where that singular figure had went.

The scrap of paper read:

_A thousand years of war and a thousand more,_

_The circle turns and not one learns,_

_How can there be a beautiful end without beautiful mistakes?_

_The rowan tree shall burn bright on the plain._

_Men are but gnats under the sky_

"Your useless Tom!" Eugene shouted as night began to rise upon the land.

End Chapter -9: Backstory Part 2: Electric Boogaloo

Being Chapter 42: Hubert what happened to you?

3 years passed.

Life within the Adventurer's Guild became difficult.

Some wanted to excommunicate the heretical George from the land.

Others wanted to run away.

Others wanted to establish a legitimate government for the town and provide for the citizens, a proposal which was promptly ignored.

Riots began in the streets.

George made advances towards the capital.

Johnson took one look at the troubles and decided to abdicate within the next 17 months.

Hubert was nominated as heir apparent and began his training to be a real leader.

Word came to Hubert that George had appeared on the borders of the kingdom, and he called an army forth containing 20 legions, which he directly oversaw, but delegated most operations to Inoue, Hubert's right-hand man. Alfred and Jersh, meanwhile, where wholeheartedly against a military operation, citing the numerous times they had died in the service of defeating the space cats.

Meanwhile, George did not feel like fighting today, as it would have been a much better use of his time to lie down and take a nap. Forced to amass an army, he began working towards the plains of Aison, where the battle would be fought.

3 Months passed.

Inoue indicated that he would like to lead the troops to the plains of Aison, such that they could fight a decisive battle with George. Alfred wanted to run away and get back to space, but he couldn't find a spaceship amongst the warring states, whose equipment consisted of torches, halberd, cavalry, archers, and foot soldiers. Lots and lots of foot soldiers. Hordes of foot soldiers that come pouring over the hill, even though archers started shooting at them, they were quickly swept away by the tide.

George persisted in his dislike for fighting a battle, citing the peace and tranquility that comes from an afternoon reading a book in a comfy chair, away from the strife of everyday life.

Inoue found a mysterious circle in the plains of Aison but could not turn it because of his missing right hand.

Alfred remembered he stashed a magic sequence around here, containing enough firepower to wipe out both armies 30 times over.

Hubert was in the grips of indecision, like all great commanders. To fight? how to fight? when to fight? where to fight? how to fight? who to fight? when shall we get lunch? where shall we get lunch? why can't I drink afternoon tea? where is my milkshake? why is the circle about to turn? who is George? why is George? which type of Pocky is best? the normal suite of questions every leader has to deal with.

End Chapter 42: Hubert what happened to you?

Begin Chapter -1: On the Plains of Aison

Fires were spotted in the distance, probably set by Alfred and Jersh as they went to raid George's camp.

All the forces were properly arrayed according to the eight diagrams on the plains of Aison on the planet 42 FRTY TO 42.

Hubert had no choice but to fight. To go against the status quo was unthinkable. Even if the status quo was on fire.

3 hours earlier, Jersh found a circle in the ground. He gave it a quick turn, but nothing seemed to have happened.

In a coincidence, 3 hours earlier, Hubert was wreathed in light, and the ultimate power in the universe appeared to be vested in him.

End Chapter -1: On the Plains of Aison

Begin Chapter -0.9: On the Plains of Aison, but a bit later

A bit later, Hubert stood atop a mound of bodies, a sword, bloodied, in his hand. His advisors had deserted him. Inoue's head had gone the way of his right hand. Alfred and Jersh disappeared, mentioning that representatives from a milkshake company couldn't possibly involve themselves in a pitched battle. Ed Muskie was seen lying down in a pool of blood, the dagger Yolipqa mysteriously making its way to George.

Eugene, in gleaming armor, appeared before Hubert, descending from on high.

"I have come back to you after these 15 years to help you fight your battles that you could never fight. You don't even know your true enemy."

"And who is my true enemy?"

"I will reveal that momentarily. But first, a reunion."

Eugene walked up to Humphrey as if to embrace him, palming a knife in his right hand.

"I am", said Eugene menacingly, stabbing Humphrey in the back with Yolipqa.

"Ah, so you are this feared 'George'. May Alfred and Jersh pay for this end, the one at the beginning of the story was better".

Hubert sank to his knees, blood pouring from the wound on his back. All Hubert could hear was a faint "ye", as he keeled over and died.

End Chapter -0.9: On the Plains of Aison, but a bit later

Begin Chapter 1.34: On the Plains of Aison, but a lot later, and not really on the plains of Aison

Eugene thought that he would make a fine ruler after he vanquished Hubert for running off to the adventuring league. It turns out that governing was harder than he thought, and within a month his pacificst ways had turned to decadence, a growing number of enemies appeared upon the border, and Alfred though the time was ripe to act.

One night, Alfred invited Eugene to the "so-called" Make Love Ando Peace banquet in Thellonde, where he hid his compatriot, Jersh, behind a curtain. When Alfred was to "accidentally" drop his "goblet", Jersh was to "behead" Eugene. The banquet happened, the goblet was dropped, and Eugene was beheaded. Alfred's strong new presence as leader frightened away the enemy, and he was crowned Vice Admiral President Emperor, Imperial Knight of Glastia, Titan of Tasfuta, Sword of Yolipqa, Shield of Absolllllom, Ruler of Titalum, Captain of Hviln, and Master of Yordles.

End Chapter 1.34: On the Plains of Aison, but a lot later, and not really on the plains of Aison

Begin Chapter 19: The End is Important in all Things

To commemorate this troubling time, the authors hired a poet or two to write a stirring ode to recapture all the illustrious events and people in the last 15 years. For their work, the poets were burned at the stake for heresy, and parts of the poem are included below, with certain parts redacted on the order of King Alfred.

Remember Hubert.  
Remember, if the time should come when you must make a choice between what is easy and what is right, remember a quaint figurehead.  
Remember Hubert Humphrey.

Forget Eugene.

Forget that if a time should come when you must make a choice between leading and following, get out of the way, forget this incompetent buffoon.

Forget Eugene.


End file.
